A Conard County Baby Page 12

  That really jolted him. He liked having her here. Maybe it was all imaginary, but he was starting to feel as if he had a family of sorts. “Let’s not jump fences until we need to,” he said. “Get comfortable. I’ll get you some tea and we’ll talk.”

  And damned if he could imagine what she could have said to Angie that would make him want to throw Hope out. He returned with coffee and tea as quickly as he could, anxious to get to the root of all this.

  She’d remained in his office, choosing to sit on the wooden chair rather than seek the more comfortable living room. She looked as if she expected to be punished. His chest tightened at the sight.

  God, what she must have been through with her family to be reacting to him this way. He wished he knew how to make her feel easier, but he couldn’t say a word until he knew what was going on. He handed her the tea, then closed the door for privacy. Taking his desk chair, holding his own mug in both his hands, he said, “Well?”

  “I got mad at Angie,” she said stiffly, as if every nerve in her was so coiled that even speaking was difficult.

  “You? Angry?” He could have laughed.

  “This isn’t a joke, Cash.”

  “I can see that. But you’re always so restrained I was beginning to wonder if your upbringing had crushed every unpleasant feeling out of you.”

  “Apparently not.”

  “Nice to know you can be human. So what happened?”

  “Of course I’m human, and I just proved it. God, what are you thinking?”

  “Only that you’re so ladylike most of the time you could be a plastic doll. Let it rip.”

  She gaped at him. “That wasn’t kind.”

  “No, but it’s true. Try being a little less perfect. Anyway, what are you worrying about?”

  “I got mad at Angie, like I said. She made some remark about how you’d had to take her in. I don’t know what got into me, but I didn’t like that. I told her in no uncertain terms that you didn’t have to take her, that you could have signed her over to foster care and she needed to think about that when she was judging you.”

  “I see.” And he did see. Ripples spreading out. So Angie thought he’d had no choice but to take her and was thinking she was here only out of his sense of duty. Well, he did feel a duty, but it went beyond that. Poor as their relationship had been all these years, he cared about the child. He nurtured an abiding love for her even if she drove him nuts and he couldn’t figure out what the hell was wrong between them.

  He put his cup down and stood. “Time for me to have some words with my daughter.”

  “But Cash...”

  “But what? What you said was true. Maybe she’ll believe it from me. I should have said it a long time ago, anyway.”

  He opened the door and marched up the stairs. He heard Hope’s light step behind him, but he didn’t care if she listened to what he had to say. She hung back in the hallway, though, as he rapped on Angie’s door.

  “Go away. I’m sleeping.”

  “In a minute,” Cash said. He opened the door and stepped one pace into a nearly dark room.

  “Dad...”

  “Listen to me. Just listen. Hope’s upset because she told you that I could have put you in foster care. Well, I could have, but I didn’t. I think it’s time you knew why.”

  Angie didn’t answer immediately, but she did eventually reach over to turn on the little lamp beside her bed. “So tell me,” she said truculently.

  “It’s simple. When you were born I held you in my arms. I can still remember looking down into your pinched little face, hearing your very first cries. In that instant I loved you more than anything on earth. I would have died for you.”

  “Yeah, right.”

  “Leave your commentary out of this. Your mother never understood, and I guess she made the same complaints to you. Everything I did from that moment on was for you and her. When my dad got sick, I had to take over the whole job of running this place. I was working all the time, and I know your mother didn’t like it. It wasn’t fun. Hell, I didn’t like it. But I did it because I had to. Because I had a little girl to take care of. Because I had to make sure you had food and a roof and clothes. I never did it for me, Angie. I did it for your mom and mostly for you. Because I loved you.”

  “Why did you let us go, then?”

  “Was I going to keep you prisoners? Your mom hated it here and she took you away. You probably hardly remember my visits. You certainly don’t remember all the money I sent so you both could live well. I sent more than I was required to because I never wanted you to do without. But that meant I had to work. I’ve never been a rich man, and hanging on to this place hasn’t been easy, but it’s the only work I know. It’s the only way I can take care of you. I don’t resent that, because I love you.”

  Angie remained silent.

  “I’m sorry I’m not around more,” Cash finished finally. “There’s just so much of me, and so many hours in a day. But when you start to think I’m avoiding you, I want you to know that’s the last thing I want to do. I love you. I guess only you can decide whether to believe it.”

  Then he stepped back out and closed the door. Turning, he saw Hope standing at the top of the stairs, tears running down her cheeks. A shaky whisper escaped her.

  “Angie doesn’t know how lucky she is.” Then Hope fled to her own room, leaving Cash to stare at closed doors and wonder how the hell he could fix everyone’s life, including his own.

  Because trying to do the right thing had apparently busted everything all to hell.

  Chapter Seven

  Ice settled again over the Cashford household. Angie’s withdrawal tore at Hope, and the only positive omen she could find was that Angie still intended to have her friends over on Saturday.

  Angie barely spoke at all, and once she told Hope, “You said you wouldn’t spy on me.”

  “I didn’t!”

  “You told my dad what I said.”

  “I told your dad what I said and not one word more.” But Angie was already heading out the door for school.

  Tension plagued Hope. She thought she’d left a lot of that behind when she’d fled her family, but she was rapidly discovering that it seemed to be part of any family. Things got bad sometimes. All she could do was hope this would pass.

  She felt guilty, though. Really, she’d had no business saying anything to Angie about why her father had chosen to bring her here. It wasn’t her place, she didn’t really know if she was right when she spoke and it didn’t make her feel any better that Cash had confirmed it. Especially since he had done so by confronting his daughter, which might have made everything worse for the two of them.

  The fact was, she acknowledged glumly, her charmed upbringing hadn’t done much to prepare her for the real world. Cash was right about one thing: she’d been raised to be ladylike at all times. Smiling, charming, courteous, always pleasant. No outbursts of any kind. Maybe she was little better than a plastic wind-up doll. Her first step out of the mold and she had brought back the Ice Age to this house.

  God, she knew better than that. Never speak unless you had something nice to say. Never get angry. Never erupt. For heaven’s sake, never speak an unpleasant truth.

  She nearly sickened herself, although it was hard to sort out whether she felt sicker about the kind of person she’d been raised to become, or about her less-than-ladylike behavior with Angie. Either way, she clearly wasn’t suited to helping any thirteen-year-old grow up. It seemed all she could do was create new problems because she didn’t know how to deal.

  Friday afternoon, Angie called from school to say she would spend the night at Mary Lou’s. Cash was out in the pastures, beyond reach, so Hope took her courage in her hands and asked for Mary Lou’s mother’s number to make sure it was all okay.

  “I don’t lie,” An
gie said sharply.

  “I didn’t say you did,” Hope answered, staying calm. “But I also remember a time when I made a plan with a friend and we neglected to tell anyone where we were going to be. The police were out looking for us when we didn’t come home. I didn’t know I’d done anything wrong until then.”

  Angie sighed audibly, but gave her the phone number. Mary Lou’s mother was both warm and friendly on the phone and admitted she’d heard of the girls’ plan only a few minutes before and had instructed Angie to clear it. “I think they got all excited and forgot they needed to talk to anyone.” She laughed. “But that’s fine. The more the merrier. You still want them there at three tomorrow?”

  That settled, Hope set about pulling out the night’s dinner. She still hadn’t tried her hand at solo cooking, but Hattie had promised to let her try next week.

  If she was still here next week. She needed to talk to Cash, explain how inadequate she felt, and why she wasn’t sure she was the best choice for this job. It wouldn’t be easy to put her morass of feelings into some kind of comprehensible framework, though. She wasn’t sure she grasped it herself.

  All she knew was that she had helped precipitate a problem, and she feared she might do more harm.

  When Cash at last returned for dinner, he looked tired and chilled. It didn’t seem like a good time to broach her concerns, so Hope simply heated the casseroles while he went to shower and change.

  She discovered she liked the way he smelled when he came in from working with his cattle. Some people might have found the odor unpleasant, but she found it rich and earthy. She liked it almost as much as she liked the way he smelled right after his shower.

  He returned downstairs in his uniform of jeans and a sweatshirt, boots once again giving way to stocking feet.

  “Where’s Angie?” he asked as he looked at the table set for two.

  “She’s staying with Mary Lou tonight. I hope it’s all right that I said yes. I talked with Mary Lou’s mother.”

  “The Suttons? Good people. That’s fine. And frankly I wouldn’t mind a little global warming in this house.”

  Hope’s heart and stomach sank simultaneously. She knew he must have been feeling Angie’s withdrawal as well, but she had hoped it hadn’t been as obvious to him. Apparently he was more aware than one would think, given how much he worked.

  She hurried to get him a cup of the hot coffee she had made fresh for him, and put it in front of him as he sat at the table.

  “You don’t have to wait on me,” he said a bit sharply.

  “I’m not, really.” Although she was, she supposed. “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. Sit with me.”

  So she pulled out a chair across from him and joined him. For some reason, cold seemed to be sinking into her very bones. Everything was wrong, and she couldn’t escape the feeling it was her fault.

  “Cash?”

  He cocked his head to one side and studied her. “You look like a frightened deer. Sorry I snapped. I had a cow with a twisted stomach today. The vet had to come out and stitch it into place.”

  The things she didn’t know. “How can their stomachs twist?”

  He shrugged. “Big stomachs. Four of them, and the very last one just kind of floats inside them. Lots of gas from grazing. Sometimes things bollix up.”

  “Will she be okay?”

  “Probably. So will her calf. I was afraid she’d lose it.” He sighed. “Sorry I was grumpy.”

  “You have a right. I messed things up, didn’t I?”

  His expression slowly changed from weary to astonished. “How the hell did you mess things up?”

  “Well...” She hesitated. “I should never have confronted Angie. Apparently I made everything worse.”

  He snorted. “Worse? You really have no idea what I’ve been dealing with. I guess you only got a small glimpse. Regardless, I’ve been thinking it was time to put my foot down about something. I’m getting damn sick of tiptoeing around a thirteen-year-old like some kind of time bomb.”

  “She has been through a rough time,” Hope said, having nothing else to offer.

  “I know she has. I’m not a fool. But sooner or later she has to start behaving, and I’m wondering if I’ve been indulging her for too long. Grief and anger are no excuse to trample people. There are other ways of expression.”

  He paused, then rose to refill his mug. When he returned to the table, he remained silent for a couple of minutes, then spoke again. “I guess I’ve been letting her get away with too much because I felt guilty. I’m not sure what I’m guilty of, though. I didn’t leave her and her mother—they left me. I didn’t kill her mom. I didn’t ignore her all these years—she pretty much ignored me. I’m running out of excuses here. I kept thinking she would start to settle in and make friends and it wouldn’t seem so bad to her. Now she’s making friends and we get more of this behavior.”

  “That’s my fault,” Hope hastened to say. “I should never have gotten angry like that, or told her that you didn’t have to take her in.”

  “Why not? It’s true. It’s time she faced some truth. Anyway, you’re human, too. Time for her to recognize that other people have feelings.”

  “But...” Hope bit her lower lip. “I’m not sure I’m good enough to do this, Cash. I’ve been thinking...things were getting better before I got angry. I put my foot in it and made them worse.”

  He arched a brow. “Don’t tell me you actually thought we had a miraculous cure going here. I told you, fits and starts. She’s not going to change overnight. Her anger isn’t going to vanish in a snap. It’s going to take time. And while I’m on the subject of you, I didn’t ask you to be a miracle worker. I wanted to give her someone she could connect with, at least a little, who could help keep an eye on her. You were and are doing just fine. I don’t hold you responsible for the current deep freeze. We had a January thaw. It passed. Now we’re back to status quo.” Then he smiled faintly. “Well, not quite status quo. I bet she didn’t cancel the makeup party for tomorrow.”

  “Not yet.”

  “And she won’t. But I am going to demand she treat you, me and everyone else in this house with common courtesy. She ought to be able to manage that much.”

  He was so kind, Hope thought again. Generous. But she still needed to address her basic issue. “I’m not sure I’m adequate for this,” she said. “And no matter what you say, I feel like I put my foot in it and made things worse. What if I do that again?”

  “We’ll all do that from time to time. Why should Angie be the only one with a temper?” He peered at her. “What happened to your self-confidence?”

  “What?” The question startled her.

  He drummed his fingers on the table, gaze growing distant. “I bet you were quite comfortable and confident in your old life.”

  “I think so.” Her heart began to race nervously. Where was he going with this?

  “Right now,” he said slowly, “you feel like a fish out of water, don’t you?”

  She nodded slowly. “I guess so.”

  He smiled wryly. “Welcome to the club. The first Angie for both of us.”

  A surprised laugh escaped her.

  “Exactly,” he said. “We’re both on a learning curve here. Just trust your instincts. And while you’re at it, quit trying to be the model young woman I think your parents wanted you to be. Here you can get dirty and grubby and speak your mind. In fact, I’d appreciate it if you would. Smooth, smiling faces make me nervous.”

  “You? Nervous? I make you nervous?”

  “You betcha,” he said firmly. “I’m always wondering what you’re not saying. Do me a favor, and say it. I like to know where I stand.”

  She almost laughed again, but then a startling truth hit home. “I’m not even sure I can think most of those thoughts.”


  “Straitjacketed, huh? I’m not surprised. Groomed like a prize filly, you said. Perfect training to be someone’s perfect wife, I bet.”

  She nodded, hating the sound of it. A wild mixture of emotions was exploding in her, impossible to sort out anything except that she was afraid. She just wasn’t sure what she was afraid of. “I only realized that just recently.”

  “Well, we need to rub some of that off on Angie, and some of Angie off on you.” But there was a twinkle in his eye. “Look, you had the gumption to stand up to your family and leave home. So every time you start to doubt yourself, I suggest you remember that. You have more than enough strength. You just need to believe it.”

  “Easier said than done. I just don’t know how to deal with someone Angie’s age. Or someone who is going through what she is. I’m honestly afraid I’m going to mess up big-time.” There it was, she thought. Fear of failure. That had been drilled into her for years. Fear of failure and now fear she would lose the home she had found here, yet feeling bound to give this man an out. God, couldn’t she just stop running from everything?

  “I doubt it.” He paused. “You said you studied psychology.”

  “I learned in a classroom. That’s different from knowing what to do with it.”

  His eyes narrowed a bit. “Are you trying to quit on me?”

  “I’m trying to give you the freedom to fire me without guilt.”

  He surprised her with a hearty laugh. She gaped at him.

  “You’re not going to get out of this that easily,” he told her. “Hah! If you don’t want to quit, there’s nothing to discuss. Like I said, I wasn’t expecting miracles. It’s going to take time to sort that girl out. I’ve been making an effort for months now, but I’m beginning to think I was too easy on her. Making too many excuses. If you think you caused fireworks, just wait until you see what happens when I start making demands of her. In the meantime, we have a night when she isn’t around to stress either of us, so let’s have dinner and figure out something entertaining to do. And for heaven’s sake, will you please start speaking your mind? Between Angie who has no brakes on her mouth, and you, who seem to have nothing but brakes, I could go nuts.”