Reuniting With the Rancher Page 13

  For all these years, they had avoided each other. He’d never come over to see Martha when Holly was visiting, and she didn’t think that was an accident. She hadn’t dropped by to find out how he was doing, nor had she asked Martha, who had seemed to figure out quickly that all mention of Cliff was off-limits.

  She had built a bubble, then a wall around that summer. She had even eventually shut down her memories of it as much as possible, refusing to entertain them at all.

  So what had she given up, and what had she gained? Damned if she knew anymore, but she’d been utterly certain back then.

  She pushed herself up a little, brushed a light kiss on that mouth she had once known so intimately, and rolled off him, staring up into tree boughs that seemed to brush the blue sky.

  It was time to answer some questions. To make some decisions. To commit, one way or another, either to returning permanently to Chicago, or to trying to build her youth camp here. That decision could not be based on Cliff. It had to be her own. Otherwise she could make herself miserable, and possibly him. They both deserved better.

  “It’s odd,” she remarked.

  “What is?”

  “How different things look now than they did back then. That summer with you, well, that was a time and place all its own. And all the times I came back to visit Martha, I came for her. I thought this was a peaceful place, but I couldn’t see anything else here. I couldn’t see how beautiful it is. I just saw emptiness. Nothing to do.”

  “Boredom?”

  “Not exactly. Just...emptiness. I’m used to a pretty hectic kind of life, and there were times I thought I’d suffocate in the quiet out here.”

  “Some people do feel that way,” he agreed. “We’ve got a movie theater the community had to buy to keep it open. One movie a month, sometimes two. We’ve got socials, if you’re into that, barbecues, parades, and even roadhouses if you like country dancing and want a beer. A real hotbed of entertainment.”

  “I wasn’t thinking of entertainment, exactly. I was thinking more off the wide-open space. Sometimes it felt so empty it seemed oppressive.”

  “Funny,” he drawled, “I feel oppressed when I go to the city. Shut in.”

  She gave a little laugh and rolled over on her side to take a playful swipe at his shoulder. “You know what I mean.”

  His smile faded. “No, actually I don’t. What are you trying to say?”

  “I’ve changed,” she said carefully. Some things were so hard to put into words. “I don’t see emptiness here anymore. I see how beautiful it is. I even see possibilities. Like the youth-ranch idea. It seems overwhelming, but I think I could do it.”

  “I’m sure you could. What you’ve done already seems pretty impressive to me. You need to talk to your psychologist friend, and then to a lawyer to find out what’s required at the minimum. Once you’ve got a clearer picture, you might feel less overwhelmed.”

  “You’re probably right. At the moment, I feel like I don’t even know where to begin.” She reached out to rest her hand on his shoulder.

  He sat up immediately, and she felt almost offended. But then he said, “Let’s finish eating. And let’s not strike any matches.”

  She had to remind herself that he had just told her he still wanted her as much as ever, and that he’d given her a passionate kiss, before she could settle down enough to eat.

  He was protecting her, she realized. Protecting both of them. Remembering the young man she had once known, who had been far more impulsive, she was impressed by how he had grown. She wondered if she had matured as much herself.

  Certainly she was not the same person she had been back then. Her ideals had taken a bit of battering, and her view of human nature wasn’t quite as nice as before, but in what ways had she grown? She supposed that therein lay at least a part of the puzzle she was trying to solve.

  She managed to finish the sandwich and some of the salad. By the time she stopped, she felt overly full, which gave her some idea of how little she had been eating. Twenty pounds in a year wasn’t worrisome, but it had gotten to the point that even her doctor had told her she needed to put some weight back on. Imagine hearing that from a doctor. She was more used to hearing that she could do to shed five or ten pounds.

  The stubborn five or ten that never wanted to go away no matter what. Well, they were gone now.

  And maybe some other things were gone with them. A certain innocence had fled a long time ago. A sense of safety...well, her job had been chipping away at that pretty steadily, she guessed. Those guys on the street had just completed the change.

  “Holly?”

  She tilted her face toward him. “Hmm?”

  “Why did you say you don’t want to go back? Burnout? Fear? The attack?”

  It was a fair question, so she gave him a fair answer. “I’m working on that. It’s a bit of everything, I guess. For some time now I’ve been wondering how effective I really am.”

  “Why?”

  “Because most of the time I don’t know. Cases come, cases go. People move. Other caseworkers take over if the situation changes to something they’re better trained for. I spend a lot of time wondering how much difference I’m really making. You could say I’m operating on faith that what I do makes a real difference. Occasionally I get to see that difference, but that’s rare. A lot of problems are intractable.”

  He nodded, encouraging her.

  “So I don’t get much of a sense of accomplishment. All these years are catching up with me, I guess. I’m starting to feel hopeless, and that’s not helpful to anyone. Then since the attack...”

  “Just don’t tell me again how lucky you were.”

  “But I was. A lot of people live like that. I just dipped my toes into it during my workday. Until I was attacked. Then I was well and truly in what these people are dealing with. Anyway, I still don’t feel safe on the streets. I went for a long time thinking that everybody in the neighborhood knew I was a social worker, and that put me in a kind of protective bubble. The worst the troublemakers ever did was make offensive comments when they saw me, but they left me alone. Then I discovered that bubble was of my own imagining.”

  She looked down and realized she was twisting her hands together. “I don’t want to be a chicken. So it’s all messed up. I despair sometimes, I feel overwhelmed sometimes, I’m not sure how much good I’m doing and I’m afraid now.”

  “Being afraid is sensible. Don’t think you’re a chicken. That attack was what, a year ago? You kept going on those streets. That’s not a chicken.”

  “Maybe not. But it makes it all more difficult. I don’t stay late as often as I used to, so I’m sure that’s cut my effectiveness. It’s just a whole mess I need to work through. But out here... Out here I see a different way to help. If I do it right, it could be so great.”

  “I’m sure it could. I need to take you over to see Cowboy.”

  “Cowboy?”

  “It’s what he goes by. Years ago he and his wife bought a ranch and they take in foster kids, lots of them. Some they’ve even adopted. It’s working for them. Maybe they’ll have some ideas.”

  “I’d like that.”

  “It may have to wait until your next trip out here. I’ll check, but I think they just left on a big family camping trip. They do it every year when school lets out.”

  Man, that sounded good to her. Closing her eyes, she could easily imagine having some of her kids out here—heck, any kids—and showing them these kinds of joys. Tall grasses, big spaces, animals... Her eyes popped open. “What if I wanted my kids to ride horses? I’m not sure I could take care of them in addition to everything else.”

  He chuckled. “What are neighbors for? I’m sure we could arrange trail rides for the kids. If things really go well and you have lots of kids, we’ll deal with the horse issue. One thing
at a time.”

  “You’re right. I’m jumping the gun. There’s so much else I need to take care of first. It might take a few years to get to the point of worrying about horses.”

  “I don’t think you’re jumping the gun,” he said quietly. “I think you’re getting excited about the possibilities. You need that excitement, Holly, and you sure didn’t have any of it when you got here.”

  No, she hadn’t, and it wasn’t just because she’d lost her aunt. Once she’d had excitement for her job. Then it had slowly seeped away. As difficult as it was to face, she had to be honest with herself. She no longer felt fulfilled by what she was doing. She no longer woke to each day raring to go. Far from it.

  All of a sudden, Cliff stirred and looked at his watch. “Damn, we’ve got to go back. The vet’s coming out today to vaccinate the lambs and kids. I need to be there.”

  She helped him pack up, then watched him go get the horses and bring them out to the rock. Taking care that she didn’t have to get her toes wet. How many men did she know who were that solicitous?

  As they were riding back, he asked, “Wanna take in a movie tonight with me? Given that we don’t get the new releases here, it might be something you’ve already seen.”

  “I see so few movies that’s highly unlikely. I’d love to go.” Dating a man she had kissed off ten years ago. How likely was that?

  “Great. I wonder how angry Lisa is at being locked out.”

  Holly couldn’t restrain a laugh. “I guess I’ll find out.”

  “I could come to the house with you. I don’t have to leave you at the fence.”

  “Why borrow trouble? I’ll deal with her.”

  At that moment she felt she could deal with anything. A great weight had seemed to lift from her as she faced her job dissatisfaction, almost as if she had made up her mind about what she was going to do. And she had a movie date with Cliff.

  Lisa seemed like a small blip on a very big radar.

  Chapter Eight

  At the fence, she dismounted and passed the reins to Cliff. “It’s been wonderful.”

  “Yes, it has. Thanks.” His smile was warm. A smile she had never thought to see from him again. “Call me if Lisa turns into a handful. I’ll pick you up around five and we can have a bite at Maude’s before the movie.”

  “I’d like that.”

  He tipped his hat and began to ride away with her mount in tow. Now all she had to do was head back and face the Lisa music. The woman’s sports car was sitting in the drive, somehow managing to look ominous.

  When she rounded the house, she found Lisa sitting on the porch swing looking majorly annoyed.

  “Have fun?” Lisa asked acidly.

  “Yes, thanks,” Holly replied pleasantly. Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out the key and unlocked the front door.

  “I told you to leave the house unlocked,” Lisa said. “I’ve been sitting out here forever.”

  Holly let that pass. Even if Lisa had returned just after Cliff and Holly rode off, their entire trip hadn’t quite taken three hours. “Sorry,” Holly said. “I’m a city girl. I don’t leave anything unlocked.”

  “Then you’ll have to make me a key to use, if you’re going to do this often.”

  “No, I won’t make you a key. Sorry, but you’ll only be here until I go back to Chicago. I guess we need to plan better.”

  Lisa followed her into the house and into the kitchen, where Holly started a pot of coffee. “You’re not very nice.”

  For some reason those words clicked with Holly. She finished preparing the coffeepot, turned it on, then faced Lisa.

  “You’re right, I’m not being very nice. Have a seat and join me for some coffee.” There was a gleam in Lisa’s eyes, a smugness in her expression that Holly could read too well. She’d seen it countless times when a child tried to guilt-trip her or someone else. It occurred to her that Lisa was acting more like a child, and showing very little real skill at manipulation.

  When the coffee was ready, she brought two mugs to the table, along with a growing curiosity. She sat facing Lisa. “So what’s really going on, Lisa?”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “I think you do. You came to your ex looking for a place to stay. Most women wouldn’t do that. Then you came here hoping my aunt would put you up for a while because a few days with Cliff wasn’t enough. Why not? Do you really have a job in Glenwood Springs?”

  Lisa scowled. “Yes, I do. But it doesn’t start until the end of the month. And I really can’t afford to rent a place yet.”

  “I believe you. But that’s not the whole picture.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You come here looking for help but you’re nasty to everyone. I’m sure you’ve heard that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I know you can be nice enough, because Cliff wouldn’t have married you otherwise. So what’s eating you right now? Why are you treating me this way when I gave you a place to stay?”

  Lisa glared at her. “What is this? Five-cent therapy? I don’t need that stuff.”

  “Maybe not. I’m not a therapist anyway. I’m just wondering why you can’t even be nice to someone who is helping you. What are you afraid of?”

  “What the hell makes you think I’m afraid of anything?”

  “You,” Holly answered simply. “You remind me of barbed wire. That amount of fencing is designed to keep something in or keep something out.”

  Then she rose with her coffee and went to sit on the porch. It was a beautiful afternoon, a great time to laze here and envision the life she would really like to have. Plus, she had a date tonight with Cliff. Only time would tell if that might be a mistake, but right now she didn’t care. Pieces inside her were shifting around, forming a new picture, and she was liking what she was seeing.

  At some point she dozed off, into vague but happy dreams. She was wakened by the sound of steps on the porch. With effort, she opened her eyes, realized it was getting later, and then saw Lisa sitting on a nearby chair.

  “I’m sorry,” Lisa said. “You’re right. I’m pretty angry.”

  “About what?” Holly stifled a yawn and tried to sit up straighter. Her coffee had long since grown cold, but she drank it anyway.

  “A lot of stuff. Most recently it’s the jerk I was married to until the divorce became final last month. He cheated on me, then blamed me for it.”

  Holly nodded. “Did he knock you around?”

  “Some.” Lisa fisted her hands. “Thing is, I hit back. So when I left you know what happened? I didn’t get to take anything. Nothing at all. Didn’t matter that I worked, too. No. A woman doesn’t hit back, I guess.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m glad to be out of there. But that doesn’t mean I have to be happy. So all I have is a little bit of my own money that he didn’t spend because I made it on my own after I left, and a job waiting for me, and nothing in between.”

  “What about family?”

  “There was just my dad. He’s been gone for three years now. Funny, he told me not to marry the jerk in Gillette. One of the last things he said to me. I should have listened, because the creep spent my inheritance money, too.” She shrugged. “Well, I spent some of it. I’m not good with money. Cliff probably told you that.”

  Holly kept mum. “We don’t talk about you.” Much, she amended silently.

  “Anyway, I guess I was spoiled growing up. Jean sure seemed to think so. I caused Cliff problems, and I admit it. I was stupid enough not to get what he was trying to tell me. I’d never had to worry about money before, and sometimes I thought he was just being mean. Maybe he was, but he was no kind of mean like the guy I just divorced.”

  “You’ve had a rough time.”

  “My dad also used to say that we mak
e our own beds.” She sighed. “Anyway, don’t get the idea I’m going to change or anything. I’m angry most of the time, and I don’t see any reason to stop being angry until things get better, okay? But I’ll try to be politer. I think I can do that.”

  “It would help,” Holly agreed cautiously. She wondered how much of this was true, and how much of it was an excuse. In a way it sounded too damn pat. There was something missing here.

  Two thoughts occurred to her, and neither of them was something she could ask Lisa: that her father had abused her in some way, and that he had used money as a means of control and punishment.

  It would sure explain a lot, but she figured she would never know. It seemed like a good time to change the subject.

  “I’m going out tonight for dinner and a movie,” she announced, wondering what kind of trouble that might bring. “With Cliff.”

  “So you’re the next victim?”

  Victim? The word astonished Holly. “Why would I be a victim?”

  “You know I was married to him. Big mistake.”

  “Why?”

  “He was a whole lot of fun at first, when we were dating, and even for a while after we got married. Then it got so he was working all the time, and he claimed money was tight, so we couldn’t go anywhere anymore. I started to feel like a prisoner, so I took off on my own. Then he said I was spending more than he could afford. He put me on an allowance and got upset when I overdrafted. It turned into hell.”

  Holly considered a cautious answer. “Ranchers have to work hard. And most are just scraping by.”

  “And Jean hated me. You know who Jean is? She nagged me about doing stuff. But she’s the housekeeper, right? It’s her job. I was hoping she’d get mad enough to quit, then we could get someone who’d do the job right. That was stupid, too, I guess. Cliff cared more about her than me.”

  This was certainly an interesting rendering, Holly thought. She’d have expected this kind of viewpoint from someone much younger and less experienced. Like maybe twelve or even fourteen. Certainly not a grown woman.

  She looked out over the prairie, watching grasses blow in the warm afternoon breeze, and thought about it. “How old were you when you married Cliff?”